I am (not) Wonder Woman

“You have everything under control”

“You can do everything you put your mind on”

“You balance family and social life and work so nicely”

“I am not worried about you, you are strong, you will manage”

A few of the comments I hear every now and then from friends, family, and others. Comments that are derived primarily from my posts on social media, photos of activities with the kids, awards for work successes, running races, and check-ins at nice places. My boys call me a wonder woman that even has eyes at the back. Indeed, I live a busy life with full schedules and we are doing our best to do fun things with the boys and create memories. However, if you judge someone’s happiness and easiness of living from their facebook posts, it is as if you know all the drama that went on at a wedding by the photos in the album. When watching a movie or a play, you do not see any of the pain, effort and disappointments at the rehearsals.

I don't post about the nights that I stay awake working until dawn. That is the only time that I can focus for many hours without disruptions and without stealing time from my family. I am like a ghost the next day – especially after midday that the sleepiness hits me. But I don’t post about it.

I don’t post about the fights with the kids. Both of them are strong-minded and have leadership personalities. They break rules (that’s what normal kids do) or make rules (that’s what my bigboy prefers). But we fight and we disagree and they go to the quiet corner and to their rooms. And there are evenings that they are tired and not helpful. And there are mornings that are slow. And there are times they are fighting with each other. And there are times that neither I or their dad have any idea how to deal with them. But I don’t post about it.

I don’t post the angry and unhappy faces. When we have our difficult moments, the last thing I think of doing is looking for the camera to take a photo. There are moments that they cry because they hurt themselves. And there are angry faces because the world is too big for them. But I don’t post about it.

I don’t post how much weight I did not lose the last weeks. I don’t post about the races I did not run because I was not prepared or too lazy. There are moments that I feel terrible that I cannot even walk around the complex to get some exercise. And there are moments that I cheat with chocolate and then I feel like shit about it. But I don’t post about it.

I don’t post about the paper that got rejected. And there are hundreds of rejections of papers, proposals, and applications. And there are moments where I doubt if my work is good enough, or if I am good enough. And there are moments that I wonder where my career would take me, and what my next steps should be. But I don’t post about it.

Why don’t I? Because what is the point of doing so? I want to be a positive person, a person that inspires and a person that shows to others that happiness is a choice. Because it is. Posting about all the difficulties and disappointment can only make them bigger and stronger than they are. It can convert them to life choices. I want to look back at my profile and “facebook memories” and be reminded of the happy moments, be proud of the successes, and smile about my boys and my relationships and me growing up and maturing.

I know deep inside that nothing is easy – if you believe otherwise, you are wrong. Nothing comes without sacrifices. Nothing comes without trade-offs. When I travel for work, I expand my horizons, I meet inspiring people, I experience different cultures, and I aspire at becoming a better researcher and make a contribution to society. But at the same time, I miss out on my boys everyday life, or goals at football, or the first time they read something. I miss supporting my husband coming back from work tired. Then there are periods in my life that the motto of #becauseIcan motivates me and pushes me forward. You know what happens then? I survive with 3-4 hours sleep a day for many days. During these productive times, I am ahead at work, have time with the family and friends, and am less stressed in catching up with everything. Everything except sleep, and eventually, sleep catches up on me.

Therefore, if you have a friend that you think is a superman or superwoman, think about it again. No one has the superpower of not becoming tired or achieving everything the first time they try. If that was the case, why don’t we even bother watching superhero movies? Love those special people a bit more; they go on with the difficulties of life without complaining and demotivating others. They do it with a smile and lots of coffee (and wine). What you see of them is just the tip of the iceberg.

Maybe try to be one of them. Carry your problems and fights with pride and grace – but remember, accept a hug every now and then; the people that understand and the people that matter will be there to give it to you.