To apologize or not to apologize? And if so, when?
As kids,
our parents, elders, teachers, religious leaders and other adults taught us and
many times pushed us to apologize for just ending a fight.
I am just
wondering though (me wondering? What a surprise!) if these methods had
polarized our generation into two types of individuals: the ones that say I am
sorry quickly just to end the discussion without properly understanding its
meaning and the ones on the other side of the pendulum that resist apologizing
for no reason (a fact that sometimes translates in avoidance of accepting their
responsibilities).
When I was
in high school, I must admit I was not an easy person. I was going through
various phases in my mind and I was getting stuck. In one of those, I refused
to say “I am sorry”, not even for stepping on someone’s foot. The reasoning
behind it was “I am sorry” means “I will try not to do it again” so if I cannot
promise to do so I will not say it.
So, what is
my problem with people that apologize quickly? For me, there are two issues there:
one has to do with their relationship with others and one with themselves. Firstly,
apologizing prematurely does not allow the discussion (fight?) to continue and
run its course. Unfinished and unresolved issues will linger underneath and
might surface at unexpected times. Saying sorry prematurely and for no reason
allows people not to take their responsibilities. Then for themselves, it
creates a mentality of carrying the earth on their back, that they are responsible
for everything. In the beginning, the act might feel heroic and world-saving,
but as time passes such behaviour converts into self-victimization. Behaviour that
leads to stress into how to stop the next disagreement and save the next fight.
But who tells us that the disagreement needs to end before it runs its course
and before all parties express their opinions and sides? And why not “fighting”
for your side to at least be heard before saying sorry to avoid the discussion?
Now the
ones that don’t apologize? The ones that do not take responsibility for their actions,
don’t reflect on what role they have played in the argument and finally, do not
learn from their mistakes so much so that they will even commit to making an
effort to avoid the same mistake again. Just to be clear here. I am referring
to people that do not apologize when
they think they are wrong. That has nothing to do with the timing of the
apology. And I can almost hear somebody (or a few somebodies in my ears) “But
what if I am never wrong?”. Well, that then
is a much bigger reason for self-reflection and look deep inside us. I fail to
believe that we can be right in all the arguments and disagreements I have ever
had in our lives. Even in the ones that I believe that fundamentally and in principle
I was right, there were issues in the way I expressed myself and explained my
side. Oops, and that is another important
point of the apology. In an argument and disagreement, there is not supposed to
be an outcome with a winner and loser. To me, the ultimate outcome is when
after a heated disagreement the two (or more) parties come later together and
admit their own mistakes by discussing what they could have done differently and
move on and forward from there.
And
sometimes in some arguments, as my pappous (grandpa) used to say “we agree that we
disagree” and pappou, if I may add…If and when we have more information and
data, we can come back together and discuss it again.
So, finally,
when should we apologize??
PS. Special
thanks to Lucca and Dimitri for inspiring me and teaching me the value of an
apology.
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