Sharing our vulnerabilities in action

 

School break and the family decided to go on a long road trip adventure and end up at the grandparents by the ocean. The trip had an effect on all of us  - two days stuck in the car was quite a challenge. But we (and by that I mean mainly the two younger co-passengers) did much better than expected. 

The tiredness (of the trip or of the last few months?) decided to find its way into our balance during the first two days being at our destination. More specifically, the exchanges between me and the boys became tense and definitely not towards creating a fun family holiday mood. 

As in most such cases, we entered a negative cycle where the more I was controlling them, the more they were rebelling against it... (typical, right?) 

The last stroke was when an afternoon after some tensions, they happily decided to go to the beach with their father and I decided not to join. My initial argument was that I fight with the kids the whole time, so let me stay away so that they have a good time. All possible fixed mindset assumptions in one thought...

That was my wake-up call. What am I doing? And after some soul searching, you know those with lots of tears involved...

I found why I was negative, why I was disappointed and why I  was deflecting my emotions and feelings to my loved ones. 

For those that know me, I am a huge fan of Brene Brown. Her whole philosophy about vulnerability made always sense in my mind. Sharing feelings, emotions and thoughts is always a challenge for a generation that grew up with "boys don't cry" or "don't cry like a girl" or even "you need to be tough to compete with the boys". Emotions and feelings are usually not validated because our minds aim to evaluate them first: are they right or wrong? Justified or not?

But everything changes the moment we admit them first to ourselves and then to others. And in my mind, there are two conditions for a successful engagement of our feelings with others: 1) the willingness to dig deep into ourselves and search for meaning while admitting and acknowledging emotions, their depth and magnitude whether positive or negative; and 2) the existence (and maintenance) of an environment of trust; conditions of non-judgment and a safety feeling of appreciation. Only then, sharing positions feelings at the right spot of power for steering future actions. Sometimes, even just listening to our own voice expressing them can be a sobering experience. 

So, when they came back from the beach, my eldest came to lay next to me. He saw the tears and I saw the permission in his eyes to share. And I did...

And every time he tried to say "no, you are wrong, that is not how it happened" I told him "yes, but now I am sharing how I felt about it, not the facts. I am not trying to establish right and wrong or blame someone. I am only sharing my feelings". 

In the end, a huge hug closed the discussion. Well, a hug and a shared cupcake...

So what happened after? 

The next few days became better although I don't know if I just broke the negative cycle with my confession or he really understood me better. But does it matter? 

Not for me...

Because the long-term benefits to our relationship are more important, and the example I demonstrated might change the way the boys express themselves in the future. Or even better, maybe the boys can identify the power of their own and others' emotions and how expressing them will not make them look weak but actually wise and strong. Talking about our feelings is not a weakness, it is one more way to connect with our loved ones and strength our relationships, first with ourselves and then with others.