Dodging THE worse mummy-question on a …trampoline!

The last week or so, my thoughts have been revolving around the most important question, the one without an answer: “am I a good enough mother for my boys?”. If you are a mother, don’t try to convince anyone that you have not asked yourself the million (billion plus) dollar question. At some point in your kids’ life, or maybe your kids’ day (or during the last hour), you – we- doubted ourselves.

THE question comes in all forms for different reasons and at different times for all mums, mamas, mothers, mummies. The stay-at-home mum for not contributing financially, the working mum for not spending enough time with the kids, the breastfeeding mum because she is always tired when the other kids need her, the bottle-feeding mum because she does not breastfeed, the militant-mother for being too strict, the hippy mama for being too lenient, the stressed mum for reaching limits quickly, the relaxed mum for maybe not caring enough, the divorced mum because she left daddy, the unhappy mum for what does she teach her kids by not pursuing her happiness?…and the list goes on. So maybe the connecting point for all mothers is not the love for our kids but rather the guilt for our kids.

But let me take a step back. Why has this question arrived in my mind the last week like an uninvited guest? I spent almost a month (more?) with the boys at home on holidays. I spent the absolutely minimum required time working (just a few emails here and then; I am an e-addict…yes yes and a workaholic). I was with them 24/7 actively spending time with them. So why now? Yes, the last few days I was not patient; I was expecting too much from them but they were also busy and frustrated (maybe because they could not play outside because of the rain, maybe because their daddy went back to work…). But the fact that we had a couple of difficult (VERY difficult) moments cannot be the reason for questioning myself…So why now? Because I started admitting to myself and to the people around me that I got tired and I wanted them to start going to school again. Because I admitted loudly and seriously that I am a better mother when I see them few hours every day. How is THAT possible? Why does it happen to me? Am I a horrible person that I do not enjoy EVERY minute spent with my kids? Am I a good enough mother for my boys? Oops there it is…there is THE question…

The moment the question hits me – regardless of the reasons each time –  I feel like….poopoo (“mummy hat” on…). As if I am not worthy, as if my kids will hate me, as if I ruined their lives forever… I hit rock bottom as if I am at the lowest point of a trampoline. Yes, that’s it. A trampoline… As if my motherhood is a trampoline. The higher it goes, the lower it will end up; and the lower it will end up, the higher it will fly again. If I do not go low, how will I fly higher? If I don’t ask the question to myself, how will I ever improve myself? If I am not always uncertain if what I give is enough, will I ever encourage myself to be better? As the cutest koala in the world recently said: “When you‘ve reached bottom, there’s only one way to go, and that’s up”!

I made a promise, as every mother in the world (I hope as I am sitting up in my pink cloud) that I will not allow anything and anyone – not even myself – to deprive my boys’ of a happy mother. I will jump in the parenting trampoline, with force and strength so that the troughs do not last long, and then we are off flying again, laughing our hearts out!

Come, mothers, fellow travellers in the guilt trips, and friends in the trampoline: let’s jump! Let’s enjoy the ups and the downs. And even more, let us learn from the lows and give us a boost to fly higher.

Let’s jump high!

PS. My thoughts, love and compassion to all the mothers that will leave their precious children to school in the next few weeks. Sit back and (yes!!!!) enjoy the quiet house, enjoy your time at the office, enjoy even the time alone in the bathroom... (oh yes!!!)

Cheers till the next time that we will say “Bloody hell, I miss them…” and this moment is coming…quicker than we think- perhaps the same day, before we even fetch them from school!