Throw that toxic banana away? Or maybe not yet…..

It seems everyone is writing about that. It appears at least once in everyone’s resolution. The last week it seems as if we all made a pact and we all promised with our pinkies to “get toxic people out of our lives”. Only the last week, I read more than five different blogs in two different languages giving advice on what to do if you have toxic people in your life. And there are as many approaches as you can imagine. From “throw them out NOW” to “take your lessons” to “change them with your positivity”. All of them especially confusing when it comes to practice.

But even before we start thinking of the plan of action with them (us?)...The question is “who is a toxic person? How do I identify them? And eventually, if someone is a toxic person for me, is he/she a toxic person to everyone?”.

It is the person that behaves badly, that gossips with bad intentions, that wants to keep people below, that is not happy with the others’ successes, that is jealous, that creates drama for themselves and the others around them; a manipulative person; that uses others to fulfill their own needs; that complains but never takes responsibility; that thinks the worse only happens to them; that cannot empathize; that cannot inspire; that criticizes constantly everyone; that takes no responsibility for their own feelings; that does not apologize – it is never their fault anyway; that expects you (and sometimes pushes you) to prove yourself and defend your choices; that is not interested in what is going on with you and their usual response to everything is “yes, but mine…” or “yes, but when it happened to me…”.

Come now, don’t tell me that you have not met one of those… [ I admit sometimes I am one of those…hmm..]. We all have periods in our lives that we exhibited at least one (if not more) of those characteristics. Or even more accurately, some of these characteristics are aspects of our personalities but in isolation only.

So, all in all, I classify a person in my life as toxic if the effects of the interaction are negative to my personality, my mood, and my everyday life. Because a toxic person at some social function does not affect me as much as a person that I consider a friend that we interact daily, intensely and personally.

Of course, I am not going to sit with the above list of characteristics and check how many and which ones are present. It is a feeling; a very simple “this person does not make me feel good”. In a recent experience, it was more of a “this person makes me doubt everyone around me; this person makes me suspicious of everyone; this person does not take what I say into consideration; this person does not value my advice, my experiences and in essence my existence; I do not admire this person”. It is a feeling; sometimes more specific than not.

And that is an issue: how quickly do we identify someone as a person that makes more damage than anything else? Sometimes the feeling is instant; this very vague feeling that I should keep myself away. There is a mismatch from the beginning. I wish that was the case with all relationships. It would save time, effort, frustrations and tears to all. But it does not work like that always.

As a person, I give chances, opportunities to understand everyone around me, where they come from, their backgrounds, experiences, and reasons. I try to put in practice my theory of “everyone gives love in their own language and manner, let me try not to speak the same language – I have my own – but at least understand it”.

Even this afternoon: “Mummy”, said Big Boy, “this banana is blah… it is black outside… please do not put it with the other bananas in the lunch box, it will make them also blah…throw it away now”… But I could not, what if that banana was perfectly fine inside?...

In many cases in my life, I gained new perspectives like this; I found out I am loved and appreciated; but in the few sad cases, I wasted my time. And to be honest? I am happy with myself I wasted my time! Not because “every person is a lesson”..no..no… I am not THAT zen… I am happy with myself because I have no regrets that I did not try enough (see? It was a selfish reason…) Oh that is something that no other blog/post/meme/article I read has suggested before (I stand under correction here, of course…).

Do not classify people… Explore them, learn them, give opportunities, and appreciate them…Do everything to have rounded and holistic experiences and opinions of those around you… Not to change them, not to bring them to your measures but to truly, meaningfully understand them. I am not saying be a victim to whatever others do to you; not the whole “people that are bad with you are lessons”. No, exactly the opposite, be the better and stronger person that will have no regrets and no “what ifs” later. And trust me, you will know when enough is enough…

You will know when to throw the bruised banana out of the lunch box and you will do so without regrets, then.